I'm fucked up

I dont know how anyone does it...i cant escape my dark friend. I find comfort in the hurt and pain of my depression. I feel so alone even if i have great and few friends but im so scared to show them im failing again.
Im falling again.
Im falling so hard again.
Tears streaming down my face feeling sorry for myself.
Im scared most to fail my mother again.
I love her and im only living because i dont want her to face the pain of losing someone. Ive seen it...parents lose life over their child...
Secretly i tell myself when they leave i will too after.
Love seems impossible. I thought i could find someone like the times my exs pulled me out but i think i dont deserve to be loved. In the end they abandoned or cheated on me...i cant be helped anymore...
Ive made many people cry...
Im fucked up...
I deserve to suffer...

The one person I want to hear from is too busy...
I dont want to bother them really but they really calm me when we talk...
I need my magic man...